It's beginning

to feel a lot like Christmas!  Especially with a new niece to spoil!  Let the crafting begin!!!



Forgotten dirt roads, through dead fallen leaves
Remind me of you


Sandy-cane Frankenstorm

I miss battening down the hatches with you.
My first solo storm.
Its not the same without someone else saying "it's cool if you start drinking wine at first raindrop."


It would appear

that my brain and my body are operating independently of each other today.

Feels like I just woke up driving on the highway with no recollection of how I got there.


I Refuse to Reduce & Reuse

My days of recycling love is over.  I've lost so much time looking backwards that I might have missed something great.  Luckily I've gotten a second chance.  Big grins all around!



There's nothing like grabbing a left over container from the fridge without checking in the AM, only to find that you've reheated 2 week old left over corn INSTEAD of the delicious Tortilla soup you THOUGHT you had brought for lunch.  Boo.


What-a-World Ken Kesey

Feeling the Burn-So to Speak

The following paragraphs really spoke to me this afternoon.  As I sit at the desk I used to get paid to sit at, yet now rent from my previous employers; at a job I thought was going to keep me grounded for the next 10 years, that is now completely under my own direction of wherever I want to take it.

Burning Man is the ultimate expression of impermanence.  An entire bustling city grows from nothing and back to nothing in just one week.  That art piece that you spent so much time on and infused so much meaning into is burning right before your eyes.
No matter how much time, work, and love go into creating the things you create, they will all only ever be temporary . . . your art, your relationships, your children, your very life.
In fact, one of the things that make beautiful things beautiful is their ephemeral nature.  Imagine an epic sunrise that just goes on and on.  Someone would come by and exclaim, “Look at those incredible pink clouds!”, and you would respond, “Yeah, whatever.  They’ve been like that for hours.  I’m ready to get on with the morning.”
We suffer when we remain attached to things that are impossible to hold onto.  Cherished experiences slip away and are gone, leaving us with nothing but grief and loss.  Learn to embrace the relentlessness of change, and those tears become a celebration of the preciousness of each moment.  Everyone watches as the beauty of the temple is consumed by flame, and we sense our connection to one another.  We’re all together in this impermanent dance with life.
Impermanence may be heartbreaking, but it’s also kind of awesome!  It means that we get to remake the world in every moment.  Our relationships, our identities, our careers, our expression of who we are: none of these permanent-seeming parts of ourselves are set in stone.  Even if they were, erosion and entropy and mortality would wash the stone away in time.
The sad news is that every good feeling, fulfilling relationship, or special moment is fleeting.  The great news is that every bad feeling, shitty relationship, and terrifying moment is also fleeting.  There’s nothing to do but surrender to the insecurity and beauty of loss and change.
You knew that Burning Man would end shortly after you arrived.  There’s freedom in such temporality.  You got to see just how versatile and creative you could be, knowing it would soon be over, and knowing it was impossible to hold on to any experience for too long.  Really, all of life is like that, just a series of moments.  Let them go and discover who you can be now.

Taken From the Entry "5 Ways to Make Life More Like Burning Man" 


Updating my Lifestyle

Not entirely Vegan but definitely dairy free.  It's amazing the changes you see in your body after only a few days!  Bring it on singledom!

Burning Man 2012

Wish I could go to BM for just a day or so. I don't think I could last a whole week, though I know from those that have been that you need at least two to experience all that there is!


This day in history

10 Years ago today I made a terrible mistake that (hopefully) changed my life for the better.  Today marks the day that it is permanently expunged from my record and I no longer need to have this dark shadow hanging in the back of my mind, or my rear view mirror.
7 years ago today I moved in with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  Today we meet for coffee for the first time since he broke my heart and I moved out, and we start fresh on equal ground.
1 year ago today I made a decision to change my life and not die in a fetal position of fear and stress and worry.  Still working on that one, but small steps forward can cause life altering movement, and I can report that today I feel healthier, happier, less fearful, and more hopeful than I did that day. 
There is still work to do, but this day shall always remain a life altering day in my past, present, and hopefully, future. 
Starting with this one small step.


Material World

This past weekend I was privileged to get to see Madonna perform, but that was not even close to the most entertaining part of the adventure.  For me, it's all about the train ride.
While I despise feeling like I am idling away the one hour and 50 minutes it takes to go from my specific station to Grand Central, in retrospect, the little glimpses into humanity is highly entertaining fodder for this Wanna-be Social Commentator.
Take for example the young girls discussing 50 Shades of Grey with their MOTHERS on the return trip.  Or the Appalachian Trail back packers who had obviously spent so much time on the trail in recent days that even a train bathroom looked heavenly.  (Judging by the amount of trips they took back and forth to it.)  And perhaps the highlight, in the wee hours of the morning, returning, groggy and soggy from a rainy event, the Conductor with Soap Opera actor good looks, who sat down across the aisle from me and chatted all the way from Croton-Harmon to Poughkeepsie.  It didn't even matter that he proudly displayed a wedding ring, it was the boost to my sequined ego that I needed.


Complaint Department

Dear Spotify, 

I primarily utilize you to make the work day go by a little more enjoyably, usually by providing me with a chair dance party throughout the day. Because of this, I do not appreciate the NSFW condom ads that break through the music at elevated decibels. How about more family friendly advertising, is that so hard? I'm sure companies other than Trojan are willing to support your valued service.  Please consider.

A Concerned Office Worker

(Commence Chair Dancing)


Macro Greens

In an effort to drink less bad things and more good things, I stumbled upon this company  Add 1 packet (or scoop, I've yet to get my shipment of it in bulk.  Fingers crossed for Friday!) to 8 oz of apple juice mixed with 8oz of water and viola!  It tastes somewhere along the lines of a fortified apple cider (which I am excited to start substituting in place of the apple juice just as soon as those local cider places start cranking out the good stuff!)  I feel more energized, have less food cravings, and am no longer starving when lunch time hits, resulting in smaller portions.  So far so good!
As an aside, you don't HAVE to limit yourself to apple juice.  Try it in any kind of non citrus juice (not sure why not citrus, that's just what the website recommends) or a smoothie!


Turning Point

I've spent the last month revving up to take over this company.  The days are dwindling down to D Day, and I have to say, I'm ready to make this leap.
I've been trying to adhere to a series of resolutions, mantras, that I've made during this time.  In an effort to revamp my life for small-ish business ownership, and the fact that I am officially truly single for the first time since I was 16.  ie:

Drink more Green Tea and less Red Wine.
Get to sleep at a grown up hour.
Cut out dairy.
Be nicer to strangers.
Quit smoking...climb mountains instead.
Spend more time with my girlfriends.
Work more.  ( I am a rare person who knows in her heart of hearts, she really could stand to work a little harder)

So far I've been doing pretty good.


Better 1 or 2

I just either lost my job, or got a HUGE promotion.
The choice is mine.
And I have a weekend to decide.



I don't mourn the loss of you.  I mourn the realization that I never really had you in the first place.



Some people get imprinted beneath your skin so significantly, you can sense their existence before seeing them.  Some people you know so well you can read their thoughts from a photograph.  Some people are so linked that you know from a single word, comment or glance what is to come.
I knew before it happened, to expect this outcome.  At least my preemptive dismissal was not in vain.  You lived up to all that you had falsely condemned in myself and others.  I see now it was premonition on your half.  Excellent work living up to your preceding reputation.


Try as you might to win me back, I don't miss you....



I know it is only in retrospect that we can truly see where we went wrong.  I hate knowing that now that I've changed I may never get to prove it.


Footprints on my Ceiling

I'd forgotten who I used to be, before all this pain broke me.  But seeing you again has reminded me, and now my hearts breaks all over again to know that you are back out in the world.  It was so much easier when I thought you were gone for good.


If we lived closer

If we lived closer I could tell you that I'm hotter than you thought I would be.


That's what I get...

I called in "late" to work today to try and finish a dream in which he came back for me one more time, and this time I didn't say no.  Instead, I got a puppy and you got back your old girlfriend.  When in doubt, always just get in the shower and quit while you're ahead!


What I learned from female comedy writers

I miss Los Angelos.  Sometimes I feel like there's more California in my blood than my home state of New York. 
My recent literary fixation has been female comedians.  I read Bossy Pants in a matter of hours, and am addicted to reading and rereading the whole of Mindy Kaling's newest blog.  It's been cathartic as I make these radical life changes, and begin to pick myself back up after shattering to pieces.  Non ever more so than this morning, as yet another minor rejection from the object of my affection left me crying in my bedsheets.  It was then that my inner female comedian interrupted this regularly scheduled programming to interject the fact that I was in fact mourning the rejection of a man who, at this moment in time, lives in his van with his cat in a parking lot across the street from a bar.
I'll let that sink in.
There's a scene in SATC where Miranda laments the fact that her ex Steve, currently residing on her couch, is getting phone messages from girls he met in a bar.  A realization that to desperate women, a homeless man is better than no man.  And in fact I have been spending the last 4 years of my life chasing after a man who is not only not chasing me back, but has spent those 4 years in some sort of personal destructive downwards spiral that has not only led to his own disparaging situation, but in my efforts to "earn" his full time affection has resulted in my own financial dismantlement. 
Good job Lindsay! 
But then, that is what this time is all about. 
I must admit, it's much nicer to be able to make these self discoveries in a world with leaves on the trees!


New Views

I have been wearing contacts for the last 17 years, and glasses for the last 24. (YOWZA!) Yesterday was the first time anyone explained to me what was actually going on inside my eye, and therefore why I had been wearing the wrong lenses for over half of my life. The last 24 hours have been crazy, realizing all these things I had been missing in basic sight! Dr. changed my world and I could just HUG you!


Rebooting this Life

Taking time apart and stepping back from who I've been these last few years, it sucks to realize that if you were to meet yourself on the street, you wouldn't like you.   But then, that's what this experiment has been all about.  Realigning myself.  Even if it means fully admitting that everybody else wasn't always wrong.


Side Affects

I miss my pots and pans.  I miss my plates and silverware and glasses.  The only things I kept with me are two mugs, both from dollar stores, both with significant back stories, but I miss eating off plates that aren't covered in "hand painted" crafts, with silverware that's not ornately wrought.  I redid the bathroom, and even with my own tastes it still feels like someone-else's body. 
I miss sitting on a couch.  A real couch, long and sinking.  I miss sleeping in a bed that can accommodate my diagonal sleeping habit.
I miss being able to tell people when it's time to leave.  Not tip toeing around the borderline psychotic step brother that comes to visit for two days, and inevitably stays for 2 weeks, holed up in the room across the hall that shares my bathroom, with his lizard and an ever accumulating pile of tissues and glassware, while he works up the courage to drive the 3 hour trip home. 
I miss the river and the sound of the train in the middle of the night.
I have made a choice.  This endurance in return for travel.  I have faith that the payout will be greater than the cost...
And that there won't be any lizards in Europe.



I really really really hate having to ASK for my paycheck, because once again the business manager has forgotten it's payday.  But as 4pm inches closer and closer to existence the awful truth is coming to light. 


Woke up

with the window open, a breeze coming in with the sunshine, and a craving for Mountain Jam.


I hate the days when going to work gets in the way of all the other stuff I have to do.


Peaches & Cream - John Butler Trio

One night, while tripping on mushrooms, you explained the significance of this song as it pertained to how you felt it must have been when your brother had his first child. That was the moment I fell in love with you.


About Blogging

In the last week two of my favorite bloggers have disclosed life altering issues.  One's house burned to the ground, and the other is getting divorced.  I do not know these women.  But I have been reading their lives, or at least that which they share, from this computer screen for so many years, it's like an actual friend is confiding in me their own devastation.  Weird what makes up society today...


Heard from a friend today...

Amazing how even when saying unfamiliar words, your voice still sounds like home to me.



Sitting here perusing through the tabloid garbage as I do everyday at lunch.  Looking forward to heading home, to making dinner, and sitting at my coffee table with a glass of sparkling cider.  And then realizing that none of that exists anymore.  Losing my apartment has felt like losing a limb, and while I know I'm being over dramatic, it doesn't change the fact that I may not drive in the right direction for the next few days when I head "home".


I officially now live in one room.  Well, to be fair, a room that is about the same size as the whole of my last apartment, a bathroom to rival those of 3 star hotels, and a closet that is larger than my first kitchen.  But because it is upstairs in my father's house, and I am almost 32 years old, it is one room. 

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